Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
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