so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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