so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldnâ€™t Be More Proud
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down