I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
25 Hilarious ‘Sex Clubs’ You Should Try To Join
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
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Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica