the condom got lost in my hair
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
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