god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Swine flu is the new snow day.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Randomize