Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
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