He is fucking rediculously sexy. DO HIM NOW. NOW. NOW. NOW.
hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
i need an iv and a liver transplant
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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