You blewit but ill be back in laekciew tonigthso calll mee
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
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