my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
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