Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
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