i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
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I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
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He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
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