I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
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