Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
