i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Randomize
