best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
Randomize
