Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
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