I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Eww. Jon Gosselin got both his ears pierced.
He looks like a bad one night stand.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Randomize
