I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
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