i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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