Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
