Moan for me like Helen Keller
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
