my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Randomize
