I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
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