my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
They are going to name an STD after you.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Randomize
