How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Randomize
