I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
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