mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Randomize
