I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
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