and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
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