I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
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my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
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