im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I just peed in my kitchenbs sinlk. New low- maybe. am i embarrassed? Not in the least
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
