Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
