woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
