Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
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whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
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You brought string cheese to the strip club
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
My dad is sitting where you rode me
Your penis caused this!
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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