I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
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