i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Randomize
