I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
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Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
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Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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