my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
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