Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
