Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Randomize
