it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
we're making bets on your personal life
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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