My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Randomize
