The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
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