So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Randomize
