Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
me + whiskey = a bad person
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Randomize
