She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
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