We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
Randomize
