The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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