drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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