Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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