just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
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