one word: firstdatebathroomanal
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
Randomize
