I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
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