I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
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