you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
