So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
